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Where Do I Go From Here?

I was really contemplating if I should be writing at the moment. I don't really want to bother anyone about my health struggles but I need to write to keep my sanity.  This is the lowest point in my life, and if I understood it right, my blog should contain both the happy and sad moments of my journey. This post and maybe future posts will contain the latter.

Last week, I was supposed to qualify for another clinical trial, but the new doctor seems unsure to take me in due to my sudden low counts. Doctor New also said that my diagnosis is now MDS and he was pushing for a bone-marrow transplant; this treatment is risky and that what's worse is that Filipinos or minorities have a harder time finding a match. Kepi and I were shocked as the news were laid out in front of us. It doesn't help that such dreadful news unfolded while I was having transfusion for 1 unit of blood and 7 units of platelets. There wasn't much I can do but cry.
MDS - is a group of disorders where your bone marrow does not work well, and the blood-forming stem cells in your bone marrow fail to make enough healthy blood cells. People with MDS can lack the right amount of red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets (the small cells that help blood to clot).
The disease happens because the bone marrow cells do not develop into mature blood cells. Instead, these blood cells stay within the bone marrow in an immature state. The symptoms and the course of MDS may vary greatly from person to person. These differences depend on which blood cells are affected. (Definition is from the http://www.aamds.org/about/MDS.)
I cried every day since then. Emotionally, mentally and physically I am broken.

Can I say that "life is unfair"? I feel that my friends and people my age are out there having families, traveling and enjoying life, while I am stuck in this rotten place. These days, it seems that everyone I meet "anywhere" is healthy and happy. I feel alone and I am afraid.

Facing this adversity made me realize that I lived an unremarkable, uninteresting life. I will have no legacy to leave behind or have no achievement to be remembered by. 


Comments

  1. i'm sorry that this seems to be another set back. but keep your faith. stay strong. it is always darkest before the dawn, they say. just hang in there.

    take care. hope we can lift your spirits up a bit.

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    Replies
    1. It's been really rough the past few weeks. There are days I really feel like giving up.

      Thank you for the encouragement.

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  2. I will continue to include you in my prayers. I know you are in a dark place right now but we your blogger friends never fail to cheer you on! God bless!

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  3. i know that words are never enough to bring comfort, kayni. i hope positive thoughts would. please stay strong.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Angeli. It's a struggle to be positive these days, but I keep fighting and I will keep fighting.

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  4. reading your post also makes me sad. stay strong.

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  5. Hugs to you Kayni... I am praying for you... I don't blog that much anymore, but I do come here often to read you. I am so sorry to hear about how your illness is progressing. I can imagine how hard it must be for you. I will continue to pray for healing and wisdom for you and your doctor to know and decide on the best way to deal with it. All the love to you,,,

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, G. I've missed you. Glad to hear from you. Thank you for the prayers.

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  6. hi!you might want to include in your daily diet organic vegetables and fruits especially the ones in the Philippines. leaves of malunggay, ampalaya, kamote, saluyot, kulitis (spinach), and sili are good plus virgin coconut oil and honeybee.

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