Thursday, September 26, 2013

Uncharted Territory

I am now traversing in uncharted territory.

I sat underneath a tree and the world kept moving without hesitation. What they say is true, you can be the loneliest person even in one of the busiest cities in the world.

People I know are out there planning their lives, while I'm planning for the unknown. Does the word "future" still exist for me? On days I feel like shopping, I'd stop myself from buying clothes because I'd question if I'd still be alive long enough to wear them.

I've been crying a lot. I am also scared, but the scariest are still to come.

I've decided to push through with the bone marrow transplant (BMT). My doctor said, "Soon, the blood and platelet transfusions will stop working. So it's either you do it or die." I appreciate my doctor's bluntness, as it puts things in perspective.

The past few weeks have been spent consulting with two transplant centers - Baltimore and New York.  I've decided to have the treatment closer to home - Baltimore. The transplant consultations took a lot out of me. My stress and anxiety are through the roof hearing all the new terminology - chemotherapy, radiation, side effects, graft versus host disease (GVHD), isolation, loss of hair, fatigue etc. These will be the words that would accompany my journey.

Difficult as it may seem (and it is really difficult), I try to look for the silver lining:
  • I have a chance to be cured
  • I have 43 in the US, 143 international - donors in the preliminary search
  • I have a loving husband that supports and uplifts me. THANK YOU, KEPI!
  • My family's support and prayers
  • My friends' unceasing messages and prayers
  • My employer's support and acceptance of my new situation
  • I found a compassionate, understanding doctor
  • God will see me through this journey
  • And MORE!!!
Sometimes, I still feel this Aplastic Anemia/MDS thing is a dream, and how I wish it has never come to me.


  1. I'm going to have our prayer warriors at church to clamor the heavens for the success of this treatment and eventual cure.

    I hope you don't mind if I put your name in our prayer list.

    It's really tough. My niece at 40 was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer - arguably the most difficult one to cure - but she has managed to beat it, she's in remission and we have tons of prayer warriors for her.

    It may be difficult but hang in there and believe that the cure is just within your reach.


    1. Thank you, Photo Cache. Yes, I am a work in progress. I think at some point my whiney attitude will dissipate. Thank you for including my name in the prayer warriors.

      I send my prayers to your niece. God is great.

  2. Hugs Kayni as you go through this journey. I will just keeping praying for your health and peace of mind.
    Btw I was glad to read that you found a compassionate and understanding doctor. That imho is such a big factor towards your recovery. One of the reasons I abandoned my quest to be a mom is my new doctor wasn't supportive of my plight so I quickly lost hope. But anyway, you are in good hands so keep thinking positive thoughts.

    1. Daphne, Yes, I will keep thinking positive thoughts. Thank you for your prayers.

      I think a supportive and understanding doctor is very important. I'm so sorry your doctor didn't give you the support you needed.

  3. Dear Kayni, I am so sorry to hear this. I had no idea what you have been going through. I will offer prayers for you.

  4. Hugs Kayni, all the words that are bad to the hearing, forget them. Our God is a great god and He will listen to your heart's desires. Will pray for you!

  5. Our god is a goof god and He will not let you go through this without a battle. Hear HIs words, He will you!

  6. God has wondrous ways to see us through in these trying times by giving us - silver linings. :) hang in there Kayni. Ive been witness how a childhood friend survived AA. You will too, through God`s healing power. :)

    1. Thank you, Lene. I will and I will keep my trust in Him.